Why did it take so long for Ferrari to build an SUV? Well, we know why they’re on board now. The hugely expensive Ferrari Purosangue raises the automaker’s average order value. Ferrari will make more money without making significantly more cars. Exclusivity maintained! Sky-high profit margins protected! So why the delay? What was Ferrari worried about? This . . .
In the TikTok above, Billie Rae Brandt identifies four “dad” cars. The Chevrolet Corvette (“I have never been more turned off than the moment I see a man in a Corvette”), Ford F150 (“The ultimate Dad, never a Daddy”) and the Mercedes S-Class and G-Wagon (“you just own your own business and needed the tax write-off”).
Ms. Brandt saves her ultimate automotive antipathy for the Lamborghini Urus.
The point of a supercar is impracticality. The only reason I want to have a supercar is to have the ability to tell everybody to go f*ck themselves when they want to hop in. Now you’re going to let the whole family be part of the experience?
Damn! I can’t wait to have the newborn in the back seat throwing Cheerios over Dad’s new Lamborghini. On the way to Yellowstone with the bike rack hanging off the back.
And there you have it: the reason Ferrari never made an SUV until now. They’re not sexy. They’re Dad, not Daddy. [NB: If you don’t understand the difference between the two terms, click here. If that doesn’t do it, PornHub’s search bar awaits.]
As Ferrari Purosangue – Unlike Any Other Fast AF Luxury SUV? points out, Maranello did everything in its power to sex-up their SUV. It looks like an NBA baller’s sneaker. The suspension’s on the DL (zero off-road pretensions). A monster V12 provides propulsion. If all that isn’t enough, Ferrari fitted the Pursoangue’s second row with racing seats.
No, it isn’t enough. Whatever else you can say about the Italian’s “purebred” machina, the Ferrari Purosangue is an SUV. It’s inherently DND (Dad not Daddy). The Purosangue maye be the sleekest, fastest, best-handling, most sonorous, least kid-friendly and most expensive example of the breed, but it’s still single step up from a minivan. A half-step.
Hang on. SUV’s account for two-thirds of Porsche sales. Does that mix make the 911 GT3 a Dad car? Does the Lamborghini Urus’ existence punt the Aventador into DND territory? Does the F150 inspire Ms. Brandt to ridicule a Ford GT as an eunuch-mobile?
Of course not! SUV’s are a sports car maker’s bottom line blessing, and one DND vehicle does not a DND brand make. Love German sentence structure. Which reminds me . . .
Although Ms. Brandt’s TikTok tantrum pillories the Mercedes S-Class and G-Wagon for Dad-signaling, the comely commentator begins her rant by relegating “basically any Mercedes” to DND-land. Hmmmm.
I take it back! The Ferrari Purosangue does neuter the Ferrari brand. Not entirely. But some. Which is why former Ferrari CEO Luca di Montezemolo would rip open his shirt to reveal an “OVER MY DEAD BODY” tattoo on his chest if anyone even hinted at a Ferrari SUV. The aristocratic father of five never forgot the truth about Ferrari: the tighter the brand, the more powerful it is.
The mainstream motoring press is welcoming the Purosangue with open arms – before turning a wheel. At the same time, out there on the mean streets, where men use cars to secure genetic material for fun and immortality, the verdict is in. If you want to get laid, the Purosangue is a poison pill. You heard it here first. Well, second.