Are All Ferrari Owners Nothing But Wankers?

Some of you may be unfamiliar with the term “wanker.” It’s British slang. Literal translation: a man who masturbates. As opposed to what? urbandictionary.com reckons “wanker” describes an “idiot” or “fool.” After spending 14 sodden years in The Land of Hope and Glory, I can report that wanker is an epithet for someone who thinks they’re cool, but isn’t. Like . . .

a car writer who uses the words sodden and epithet. And drives a Ferrari F360. The question of the day, am I – and all Ferrari owners – wankers?

Imagine a Venn diagram. Start with a big red circle into which we place all Ferrari owners. Inside that circle is another almost as large marked “wankers.” Inside that circle are three more. Let’s take them one by one.

1. Lousy Ferrari Drivers Are Wankers

The Ferrari Idiots video above is a nowhere-near-fast-enough-for-TikTok compilation of Ferrari drivers proving themselves incapable of car/self control (plus a guy successfully navigating a road approximately 2″ wider than his Ferrari). The video caters to a fairly common view: Ferrari owners are lousy drivers.

This “stupid wanker” perspective breaks cover whenever a Ferrari crashes in public. There’s an immediate outpouring of what the Germans call schadenfreude – taking pleasure in someone else’s pain (winner of least surprising derivation award).

This schadenfreude’s largely based on class resentment, obviously. But it’s also about observers dissing Ferrari owners for out-kicking their coverage. Driving like an idiot.

“You thought you were king of the road eh mate? Fancied yourself Nigel Bleeding Mansell dincha. I guess your Ferrari’s too much for you too handle. Wanker.”

There’s a large element of truth here. Driving your Ferrari faster than you should because you think you can wankerdom is especially prevalent amongst young drivers piloting Daddy’s Ferrari. And twenty and thirty-something tech millionaires who believe that being called a “master of the universe” makes them a master of the universe. Which it does – right until it doesn’t.

2. Ferrari Posers Are Wankers

I can’t tell you how many people (i.e., men) buy Ferraris to increase their odds of getting laid. I never did, operating under the assumption that any woman who wants to sleep with me because I own a Ferrari is a potential hotbed of undesirable microorganisms. But there’s no question: the urge to swap bodily fluids motivates the XY set to buy a Ferrari.

If the preening, sex-seeking Ferrari owner is a young, respected celebrity, they get a pass. Same goes for ballers, their drug dealers and any female Ferrari owner. The throughly dissed demographic? Old Fat White Guys (OFWGs).

We’re talking elderly caucasians who drive like a little old lady (not the one from Pasadena). Men who can’t extricate themself from their Ferrari without a panicky moment when they think they’re going to fall, break a hip and die.

Like drivers of crashed cars, OFWG Ferrari owners are wankers because they’re not using their Ferrari as God and Enzo (same thing) intended. Their car is nothing more than an expensive way to communicate yes I missed the die young part of the live fast equation. But I’m loaded and carpe-ing the f*ck out my diem.

These wankers exist. I’ve saw a fifty-something struggle to put his yellow F8 Tributo into gear outside a strip club, as his beautiful passenger struggled to text with nails longer than the Baja Peninsula.

By the same token, I saw an Armani-clad 70-something leaning against his F40 at a concours, pretending not to be captivated by a dark-haired beauty trying to get into the passenger seat. Either way, if the Bruno Magli shoe fits . . .

3. Ferrari Collectors Are Wankers

My former editor at Hagerty wrote a Substack story excoriating Monterey Car Week as a wankerfest. Jack Baruth didn’t use that word. He martialled words like dystopia and necrophilia to make the same point.

According to Mr. Baruth – a man who knows his way around a race track better than most of his competitors – the wealthy amongst us who buy hugely expensive cars (like Ferraris) without consideration or exploration of their on-road manners are wankers.

The world of Car Week is a sharp rebuke to the idea of poor people, or even regular working-class people, existing at all — except as an audience. It is a self-contained capsule of distorted wealth, endless affirmation-for-hire, fetishization of objects that once served an authentic purpose of transport or competition but now are only useful as tokens in an endless game of one-upmanship played by people who are so disconnected from the realities of normal American existence as to almost be another species entirely.

Jack Baruth, Substack

The species being rich wankers. Yes but –

There are Ferrari owners who don’t fall into any of these “here be wankers” circles. Owners who respect the Ferrari brand’s tradition and history on its own merits.

Who understand, exploit and enjoy their car’s capabilities within their driving ability, or lack thereof. Who appreciate their privileged position and share the love with all and sundry. Who don’t tie any part of their self-worth or appeal to possible playmates based to their ability to own a Ferrari. Who collect cars solely to enjoy driving them.

Hats off to both of them.